What's your Story?

If I told you that every autobiography ever written is a book of fiction, what would you say? I'm not saying that they were meant to be fiction but just that they really aren't “the truth.”

Let's say I was a politician who just finished a career in public life and I decided to write my memoir, you might imagine that the preface starts with me chopping down a cherry tree as a young child and my parents remarking that I was destined for a life of service, meanwhile the book would continue to prove this as my destiny. If I were a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety looking to write a book to give back to the community that helped get me sober you might imagine a preface that started with me under a bridge on a cold rainy day, no money, no one else to call... the proverbial rock bottom. Here's the kicker, what if the books were written by the same person. What if the books just encapsulated different times in this person's life, would one be true and the other not true, would you have a different perspective if you read both of them versus having just read one. Would your perspective differ depending on what book you read or in which order you read them? Clearly the answer is yes, clearly knowing the whole story give you the best picture and the most clarity.

Now what if we changed the perspective and instead of reading a book about another person's life, we're talking about the story you created of your life, the one you have stored in your brain... do you consider the story that you have tucked away in your head to be a “true story”? Is it possible that the story in your head is a story of fiction, once again not fiction like you are trying to mislead someone, or in this case yourself, but fiction like it's just not “the truth”? What if this story’s SOLE purpose is to perpetuate your grand identity...the idea here is this; what if the stories you have in your head that form how you “feel” about yourself are in your control, what if those stories weren’t fact but they were formed by you by picking and choosing memories from the past to “fit” your picture of yourself. What if these stories where, with a little work changeable?

In the book “The Brave Athlete, Calm the F*#k Down” I was introduced to a concept that I really liked. The authors, Simon Marshall, PHD & Lesley Paterson talk about one’s perception of reality and use a chess board and chess pieces to illuminate the point. In their example the chess board is reality, all the things in life that are provable/definitive are squares on the chessboard – I'm 5”9’, I went to Boston University, I am married and I have two children – all squares on my board. The chess pieces on the other hand are subjective, I’m overweight, I’m short, I’m a procrastinator – all pieces on my chess board. In their example “you” are not the board or the pieces – you are an observer, the player, you can place the pieces where ever you would like and as your “emotional intelligence” grows you increase the size of the board by adding more spaces – the board grows as your perception increases...I will not try to recreate this here, instead encourage you to read it for yourself...To me this was hugely moving, I never before thought of myself as an independent observer of my own life – capable of stepping outside my life and looking at it like this...this idea actually opened up a new thought for me, one that I have embraced and works while for me. In my metaphor the facts of my life are like Lego blocks, with these blocks I can assemble them to my choosing, as my EQ increases, I can add blocks – I can then assemble them to empower me as I need and as I see fit – conscientiously and on purpose...Not randomly or to reinforce an antiquated story of myself formulated in another time in my life, one that has me stuck in the past versus calling me into a future of my choosing!

In the context of this blog and its relationship to mindset, particularly with regards to endurance sports, I challenge you to look at the Lego Endurance World you constructed. Is it built with thoughts and memories from your grammar school playground? Are you a Boston Qualified Marathoner who was the last one picked for dodge ball in 5th grade but your prevailing mindset isn’t the elite 1% group you are a member of but rather “no one wants you on their team”? It may sound funny written here but I know and you know – heck we all do it so look no further than the mirror, accomplished people who you cannot give a complement to without them giving a self-deprecating remark immediately following the complement!

“Great race on Saturday, Amazing, 3rd in your age group, great job!”

“Oh that, it was nothing...there were three races in town so the comp was weak...I think there was a wreck on the freeway also so some people could make it...and also the course was downhill for me but uphill for everyone else...so really I got lucky!”

While this is a bit over the top, I think you get the point...In this short form Blog I really just want to point out a concept, give you something to think about, the books below are great resources to get deeper in the weeds.

Finally, I encourage you to look at the stories from your past that are fueling your life, what unempowering stories do you have from your past that you are propping up by looking throughout your life for evidence that they are true? Pick great stories about yourself and who you are then find the evidence that they are true – it's much more fun! Take it from me Ironman 70.3 World Championship competitor not the little Portuguese kid who got cut from the Basketball team Junior year!

Reading List:

Brave Athlete Calm The F$%K Down!

By Simon Marshall and Lesley Paterson

The Untethered Soul

By Micheal A. Singer

Whose your 5?

Photo by The Humantra on Unsplash

In my last post I talked about the power of a word- how a person has the power to choose words that describe situations, active choices versus passive ones. The discussion revolved around taking power over one’s language to ensure that the words being used serve us and that we be cognizant of the power of our choices.

With that said, this post isn’t meant to rehash that one- but rather extend it.

This conversation centers on the power of the spoken word and about how truly powerful we can be when we use our voice to speak. It is often said that we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with… This statement can relate to to many things- education and income level are just a couple of things where correlations are made. However, my contention with this is- imagine if the people around you knew how powerful their words were and didn’t squander them…what if, they instead used these words with all the power and might that they were worth?

An Example:

There is this great Vlog by the Vegan Cyclist…

(Side note: If you don’t know his stuff, check him out! He’s got great content- tongue and cheek, funny, informative & good spirited. I haven’t watched everything he’s put out, but the ones that I have- I’ve really enjoyed.)

I was particularly drawn to a video labeled “Off the Couch Ironman – with no Training” I mean- really, with that title how can you not be drawn to it?

It’s worth the watch on MANY levels, and I’m sure this won’t be the only time I reference it, but for the purposes of today and the topic at hand- I want to focus on a very small portion of the video…one that I would contend might be the biggest and most important lesson of the entire thing (spoiler alert!!!) It takes place about 24ish min into the video- at this point, he is recalling the latter stages of the marathon portion of this undertaking. His film crew has left for dinner and left to his own devices, he has decided he is going to “run” home…where he will call it quits. Now alone, his mind has convinced him that continuing no longer in his best interest and he should just give up (to be fair- I would argue that in this particular case, his mind was soooo right)! As he arrives back home, where he is going to quit, his family- assuming that with the amount of time that has passed since he left, he’s surely completed the entire event- greets him with all the inspiring accolades that families would say to congratulate one on completing such a monumental event. The Vegan Cyclist is so moved in this moment, inspired by their words, that he decides he cannot let his family down by quitting and chooses to go back out and continue on. Even better- his young son, so motivated by his father’s new found will to finish, offers to help his Dad complete the marathon by riding his bike alongside him…even more accountability!!!! I’m sure it comes as no surprise when I tell you that he finished it…it’s worth the watch!

A Personal Example:

This year, I am celebrating 15 year of sobriety. A pretty amazing accomplishment all things considered…

My prior life was heavily entangled with alcohol. My profession, my social life, basically my whole identity was intertwined with it and breaking away from it and starting fresh was no simple task. Moreover, my wife also struggled with it, and as my best friend and person who I spent the most time with, we were very codependent. To tie back into to my earlier point about being the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with- her and I were in lock step 95% of the time. We knew exactly how get the other on board with our debaucherous behavior. However, after many years together and both of our lives teetering on the brink of collapse, we made the decision that we both needed to get sober.

Having made the decision to get sober and with 30 days under our belt, life as it always does happened. My Dad, who had successfully battled cancer previously, was admitted into the hospital and the prognosis didn’t look good… With that information in hand, I quickly left California and traveled to Florida to be there for him. With ONLY 30 days of sobriety at that point, any traumatic experience can easily become a reason to drink… But a catastrophic event such as this was something that even non-alcoholic’s would understand as a “good” reason to drink. I should note that I could always find a “good” reason to drink…I drank because I was happy, because I was sad, bored, excited – you get the point…but I’m getting off track.

As I left my wife and family on one coast and traveled to the other, I was holding on to my sobriety precariously at best. Shortly after arriving, my father passed. My family was distraught and the scene played out as most would imagine. As my family worked to come to grips with what had just happened, we gathered to figure out to do next and my mother, being tired, felt it was best for us to all reconvene at her house. Like a classic alcoholic trying to get sober, I hadn’t yet told many people. In fact, the only person I had told was my sister. So when in the planning for “what is next” my Mom made the comment “I don’t have any beer at home, we will need to stop and get some beer for David!” My mom was suggesting that I drink, so what if she didn’t know I was trying to stop– BOOM – I’d found my out!

But then, out of nowhere, my sister spoke up “No we don’t, David isn’t drinking any more…HE IS sober now!” And just like that- the stand was made! With words spoken, I was now accountable to my family for my sobriety…complements of just 4 simple words spoked by my sister…”He is sober now.” I made it through the trip (and the last 15 years) without drinking. It is something I find remarkable even to this day!

Looking back, I can point to my sister’s comments as the defining turning point in my life, she spoke up and took a stand for me, and in return- all I had to do was “the next right thing”!

Ironically this post isn’t about alcoholism or drinking BUT about the power my sister’s words had-not just over that trip but over the next 15 years of my life. I truly believe that just about EVERYONE else in the world would have given me the out to drink on that day, but she didn’t. I was lucky to have her there in that moment, calling me to be bigger and better than I could be on my own. Her words altered my life for the positive in so many unimaginable ways…

A touch of contrast…

Little did I know that back at home, without the support of family and without someone to take a stand for her- my wife wasn’t able to hold on and slipped. I later found out that she was POSITIVE that I would drink considering the situation and left to her own devices- decided that there was no reason for her to refrain…certain that once I got back, we’d return to our old ways. It took her additional 12 months to get sober. I realize that the conversation is complex and it’s hard to surmise how things might have been different if she had been with me…but who knows how those same powerful words might have also affected her journey.

Conclusion:

There is no event in my life that more clearly illustrates how powerful the people you surround yourself with can be. People’s comments, even those made quickly in passing, can affect you for days, months, and sometimes- even years.

So the question begging to be asked..

Are the 5 people closest to you motivating you? Inspiring you? Do they call you to be bigger than you have ever dreamt you could be? Do they speak the words YOU need to hear?

Power of a Word

Choose your words carefully because you are listening. Each day we are have a multitude of options to articulate how our lives unfold. Infinite choices leave us with an incredible scope of power to shape our lives with our words.

We commonly underestimate the power of a single word. We believe that certain situations dictate, even demand, the use of a specific word to describe an occurrence. It is as if only one word describes what really happened or accurately represents the actual situation. We are not readily cognizant that we choose the words we speak and that our word choice fulfills a distinct purpose.

In the late 90s, I first came to understand the power of a single word. The word in question on this particular day was “pressure”. Approximately 200 people, witnessed an exercise unfold where a participant explained a family situation in front of the group to the facilitator. In his memories, the participant felt “pressured” by his parents to attend college, explaining that his parents “pressured” him to attend Stanford. His parents would happily pay for him to attend their college of choice BUT would not fund him in any other endeavors…such as his preferred pursuit to become a professional baseball player.

The seminar leader, having a sense of his background and history, realized that this word “pressure” was very charged for him. It represented a significant marker as to how he saw his parents and how he felt about his life as a young adult. The seminar leader intentionally challenged the participant to truly understand what the word “pressure” represented as it described the situation. Was this word “chosen” versus “dictated”? Was “pressure” the only appropriate word for the situation? Did the word “SERVE” him as it related to this situation?

As I watched the conversation unfold, the seminar leader described what pressure represented to him- a giant ball that was continually inflated until the sides of the ball are stretched or the feeling one gets when diving deep into the ocean until your eardrums feel like they will pop!

Interestingly, the participant continued to use the word “pressure,” followed by “come on…you know what I mean.” Steadfast, in his conviction, the seminar leader challenged each of his retorts.

“No, I don’t know what you mean” and “pressure to me is like “X” what you’re describing to me looks like “Y,” the seminar leader debated.

After 15 minutes of going back and forth between the two, 199 people in the room understood precisely the point to which the seminar leader eluded. It appeared that the person most closely involved in the situation, the person with the most to gain, could not see it.

The “Ah-Ha Moment” presented itself at minute 16 when the participant realized that he had chosen the word “pressure” to describe the situation with his family. He easily could have chosen a different word such as encouraged or insisted, versus “pressured.” In that single moment of realization, his world was forever changed by simply selecting a different word to

describe the situation. Changing that word changed his relationship with his mother and father immediately.

The participant immediately understood that he had choices in life where he previously thought there were none! Ironically, he still used the word “pressured” to describe the situation, BUT just knowing it was his choice made all the difference to forge a new relationship with his parents: one with a greater amount of freedom!!

Similarly, I remember feeling like a fraud when I hadn’t run a triathlon in several years, and I told someone that I was a triathlete — was I? Don’t you have to “do” triathlons to be a triathlete? What is the statute of limitations on claiming you are something by doing it? One year? Five years?

After some thought, I realized that with five triathlons under my belt and the fact that I was running, biking and swimming, I earned the right to call myself a triathlete! By declaration, I am a triathlete. Triathlete is a word I chose to describe myself; it is not predicated on performance. It empowers me; it calls me to be a better version of myself each day…

What words are you using to describe situations or yourself? Are they empowering, do you see that you are choosing?