Forget Finding Your “Why”

Forget Finding Your “Why”

For years, I’ve heard the phrase “find your why” as if tapping into it is the holy grail of motivation and perseverance, especially in endurance sports. But I’m here to offer a slightly different perspective.

During Ironman Wisconsin 2024, I faced one of the toughest challenges of my endurance career. I was sick, race-day sick. Not “sniffles” but “you should probably be home in bed” sick.

But Ironman day isn’t a sick day - it’s race day.

So instead of packing my bento box with just gels and hydration, I added cold medicine and throat lozenges and hoped for the best.

It was a brutal day. But it was also a good one. While it wasn’t a personal record, I still finished 6th in my age group. There were five spots available for the World Championship in Nice, France and I earned a spot with the help of the roll-down.

So what got me through that race?

First - perspective. I get to do triathlons. I don’t have to. When things got dark, my internal dialogue stayed simple:

👉 “I GET to do this. I don’t HAVE to do this.”

Second—my kids. They were there. I wanted them to see me finish. I wanted them to know that when things get hard, quitting isn’t the default. A DNF was never really on the table - not because it wouldn’t have been understandable, but because I knew I was capable of finishing.

For most of the race, I thought this was my “why.”

But somewhere out on the course, a different thought took over - one I’ve used in life long before endurance sports:

👉 “Because you said.”

That’s it. No poetry. No narrative arc. Just a relationship with your word.

When you say you’re going to do something and you do it, you build trust with yourself. When you don’t, you quietly erode it. I said I would do this Ironman. Period. No negotiating. No reframing. No excuses.

And here’s the part I want to be clear about.

If you have a “why” that works for you - keep it. Don’t abandon something that fuels you. Use what works.

But I’d argue this: even the most passionate “why” only matters because you declare it to matter. Your “why” is powerful because you say it is. Strip it all the way down, and underneath it is the same foundation:

👉 You follow through because you said you would.

Endurance sports sharpen that muscle. Training groups strengthen accountability. Showing up - again and again - builds a reputation with yourself that no mantra can replace.

Your “why” can inspire you.Your word defines you.

And when things get hard—when stories fall apart and motivation fades - this one line still works:

👉 Do it because you said you would.

No debate. No second-guessing.Conversation over. Take it to the bank.

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How to be a Bad Ass in two easy steps!

Step #1-- Do hard shit...hard shit is relative! Before you do a Marathon do a half and before you do a half do a 10K, so on and so forth – the takeaway is at one point a 5k is hard shit...just do hard shit – it is irrelevant if that shit is hard to other people – totally irrelevant...remember it’s your hard shit and if you do hard shit it will become easy shit, then you will need to find new shit...A while ago at XML we started using the term F.U.N.. We use the acronym F.U.N. usually after doing hard workouts! So, if someone asks how the workout was you reply - “F.U.N.”. This begs the question what does it stand for?

F*@k’n Unbelievably Nasty! See we look for “nasty” stuff to test us! Nasty stuff prepares you for the shit life will throw at you!

Step #2 -- Stop complaining about shit! Really just stop...it’s that easy. It doesn’t mean we don’t acknowledge or talk about stuff; we just do it with a different intent. Using “F.U.N.” is a way we acknowledge the struggle in a fun way!

With that said here are two tools you can add to your “toolbox” that help with changing your relationship with complaining:

A.) If something challenging happens to you and you need to be sad or in a complaining mindset then give yourself a time limit to inhabit that space. If you are new to this maybe start with 48 hours* with the intent that as you exercise this muscle, you will be able to reduce the time you sit in a negative place!

Note: clearly this might need to be adjusted to the actual cause of the “upset” and for this post we are not referring to traumatic life events but more daily life disruptions.

B.) ONLY COMPLAIN TO THE PERSON WHO CAN AFFECT THE COMPLAINT – if you have an issue with your husband and you complain to your friend then you're talking to the wrong person...the quickest way to a resolution is to speak with the person who the is issue is with...this does not mean that you don’t seek advice, just make sure that you aren’t disguising a complaint in the form of seeking advice!

This brings me to something very important...what if you are complaining a lot about something with literally no solutions – IE THE WEATHER??? The solution here is simple – just stop...if you live in Austin and you complain about the heat or live in Minnesota and complain about the cold you are just a complainer...sorry but you aren’t helping anyone! Now, we are all human, progress not perfection - as long as you have an awareness of this when you are doing it then you are building your emotional intelligence which is great!

PRO TIP: Do your workouts when you planned...if you planned to run Friday morning don’t change the run because it’s raining – just run...most of the time races happen at the scheduled time, if you get used to training in different weather you will be ready to race in it. Sometimes the weather is dangerous – I’m not talking about that, sometimes it’s uncomfortable – be uncomfortable and do F.U.N. stuff!

To pull this all together, I have been incredibly proud of the group of athletes I train with and have watched them go out in national competitions and do really, really well...I believe this is the result of a few things: A great group of athletes constantly inspiring and motivating each other (see earlier post “Whose your 5”) and doing hard things regularly. Training in MN all year and running and riding outside builds character.

Do F.U.N. stuff with kick ass people and you’re a bad ass....easy!

10 things my son taught me...so far!

I usually reserve this space for things performance related, but I think there is some crossover wisdom here and well I think it is worth a read!

10 things my son taught me

1. Buy expensive knives.

2. The coffee bean matters.

3. Take a used car to a mechanic before you buy it.

4. The relationship between a boy and his mother really matters.

5. Research is good, too much research is paralyzing.

6. Follow the recipe as prescribed the first time through...read the reviews of the recipe.

7. Conversations don’t need to be long.

8. Advice doesn't always get followed on day one.

9. Repetition is a necessary thing.

10. My mother wasn’t bad at arguing...I was a pain in the ass!

My son is a smart charismatic young man, equal parts inspiration and pain in the ass. I have had the pleasure of spending a lot of alone time with him learning lessons. Kids are amazing and within the right space can teach us as much as we hope to teach them.

The list above is my top ten list of things he has taught me...Interestingly the “thought” about the knives popped into my head one day followed by the top ten list then the other 9 items came to me in less than 5 minutes – I thought this telling...like the information was card cataloged in my brain awaiting for a time to be used. With that said below is a little deeper dive into each.

Buying expensive knives could also be stated as buying great knives, knives that will awe and inspire for a lifetime...the knives that he buys are works of art and he will have them for many years. I try to think of this now in terms of all my hobbies, especially Triathlon – buy something correctly the first time and it will serve you for many years to come.

The coffee bean matters...we bought a nice espresso machine that makes great espresso (this is a whole other story) and it truly is a joy to make my morning cappuccino, I get to start my day preparing a treat with this elegant machine...Historically, my M.O. had been to shop for budget beans and one day he looked at me and said “you know Dad the beans you buy make the difference between a good cup and a great cup” - from then on I decided to save $2-$4 in other areas of my life – not in this simple area with such a small cost compared to the joy it brings me!

Take a used car to a mechanic before buying it...Spencer bought his first car with his own money saved from working in restaurants and his research and due diligence was awe inspiring (see point #5) - his car was worth more than he paid for it and he could have flipped it shortly after purchasing and made a profit...pretty good for a 16 year old!

The relationship between a boy and his mother matters...watching the relationship between my wife and son for the last 18+ years has been a treat and a challenge...watching two trains on the same track running straight towards each other seems, at first glance, like an easy thing to stop! As an independent observer eager to help, interjecting sagely wisdom is truly the recipe for success, right? Nope, this relationship is theirs to manage and cultivate, to grow and develop in their spirit, it is their past, for their future – their relationship is important and theirs alone.

Research is good to much research is paralyzing...sometimes you just have to buy the car (see #3)

Follow the recipe as prescribed the first time through...read the reviews of the recipe...The first time you make a dish from a recipe off the internet do two things. First, read the reviews. You will learn a lot from them. Second, make the recipe as prescribed before making any changes, otherwise you won’t know if the recipe is any good – the only exception to this is making changes based on something you read in the comments...since they already made the recipe you can use this advice if it sounds like something that would add to the recipe for you!

Conversations don’t need to be long/Advice doesn't always get followed on day one/Repetition isn’t a bad thing.... while these are listed separately above, I will treat them all together here...One major thing that I have learned from my son is that when stating important things, shorter is better. Repeating it reinforces you thought it is important enough to say again...I also try to empathize that the repetition wasn’t a result of forgetfulness but a result of importance...ALSO an important side note, success might not be able to be claimed until you hear your child say it to their child...with my son I will sometimes here him credit other sources for my nuggets of wisdom...I take solace that it got through and not umbridge with who got the credit.

My mother wasn’t bad at arguing...I was a pain in the ass!...Lastly and potentially the greatest gift that my son has given me is the realization that my Mother wasn’t incapable with holding a critical thinking conversation (IE Argument). I love conversations that require critical thinking, I love a good debate – I thought that for years I was having “debates” with my mother but unfortunately they all ended in “JUST BECAUSE I SAID”. This ending was always wildly unfulfilling to me and to be honest seemed like a copout...Fast forward 30 or so years and I learned through my sons in ability to let things go that there was no acceptable answer to him other than the one he wanted and well to be blunt, sometimes I was just over it, only to reply...well, I’m the Dad and that’s my decision...not so far from “just because I said”